I’ve never felt more conflicted than I do right now. You know how people say that they feel hunger like an emotion? That’s me with conflict. My brain is like a ball of “I don’t know” and it’s annoying and interesting and means I keep waking up at 4am to have a silent battle about big and small things and things I shouldn’t even need to question myself on.
I spend a lot of my spare time just being torn, not about a general direction for my life, but about almost everything. I have, as most people do, a gigantic, ever-growing list of things I want to do, places I want to go, food I want to eat, beaches I want to sunbathe on, cultures I want to experience, jobs I want to have, causes I want to help, clothes I want to wear – it’s endless.
I want to do different things with work and at the same time I want to do the same things with work. I want to go to a hundred new places, but I also want to revisit places I love. I want to channel all of my energy and spare time into one idea, yet I can’t seem to focus on it for long enough without getting more ideas.
In one rather dull evening at home alone, feeling a bit ill and a bit angry, I’ve felt conflicted about my hobbies, my travel plans, my next big thing to save for, if I should lay in bed or sit in the living room – it doesn’t matter how big a thing or how trivial, if it it’s my mind you can bet I’m conflicted about it.
Maybe this is just an age thing (27 in 6 days TICK TOCK), maybe it’s just another outcome of spending too much of my life online viewing how other people live and wondering how on earth they manage to do it all. It might be a bit of both, or it might be other stuff. It might be people close to me in both age and emotional ties fighting off killer diseases and making me constantly think about how short life is. It might be the fact I’ve just bought my first home and am feeling suddenly strange that this huge weight has been lifted and I’ve scraped over the finish line of this massive looming task.
I can’t seem to decide lately if I want to drink tea or coffee, let alone make choices that will impact my life every single day. Not knowing up from down and left from right is as annoying as it is sort of intriguing. If conflict is something that comes with this stage of life then I hope it brings good choices, early nights and late nights and absolutely immense amounts of cheese.
Knowing the answers is boring anyway, right?