Just over a week ago I was thinking how boring my tube journeys had been. No one had been acting absolutely outrageous, no one had said anything shocking, revolting or behaved in a way that made people move away and bury themselves even further in the armpits of strangers. BUT DON’T WORRY. The general public always prevail. And they do it in style on the District Line.
1) I do my bikini line every second Friday, it’s a good balance to beat the bristle.
2) I put my hand in my pocket and there was just marmite in there.
3) You could make a giant fire with all the Metros that get left behind. Imagine. A big underground fire of news.
4) The sausages are off now. I just cancelled on them.
5) We repainted the walls to get our deposit back but then Tim vommed up one after the beer festival.
6) My dad won’t pay for the private dentist if I miss tap lessons. He doesn’t understand how tired I am from working Saturdays.
7) (on the phone, very drunk, thick South African accent) You’re embarrassing me in front of all my fellow train riders. We ride together and now they all laugh at me as I phone you and you just sack me off like I’m shit on your shoe.
8) I bring a fresh spoon everyday.
9) Waitrose is just a cleaner shop. It has that sort of village feel, even when you’re buying lunch.
10) People will think we are a couple if you touch me there.