There are literally days when I see things on the tube and think, seriously, am I being Punked? Is Ashton Kutcher going to bound onto the tube and start hysterically laughing at me? Am I actually at home in bed sleeping through my alarm and dreaming this?
I have, over my three and a half years of tube commuting, had an abundance of weird experiences and often find myself wondering if I have actually left the universe and crossed over to another dimension where stuffed crow top hats and bags bigger than some European countries are the norm. My thoughts lately have included:
Have I missed an entire day or are you really having a Red Bull and a samosa for breakfast 2 inches from my face?
Do you think breathing like a dragon is acceptable? Are you Daenerys Targaryan?
where, in 2015, does one buy jeans with ‘sexy’ emblazoned on the back in diamontes?
Has something awful happened in your life that makes you feel it’s okay to lean on a pole that 5 people are trying to hold onto for dear life and to stay upright?
Is this the London Underground or the Magaluf strip? Where are the rest of your clothes at 8am?
If you get all of those suitcases on any tube before 9:30am I will eat all of my own limbs.
Get in the sea.
What is Upminster and has anyone really been there?
There is a man’s crotch resting on my back and nothing I can do about it. This is my life.
Maybe, instead of handing over £32 a week to be delayed, squashed, injured, pushed and transported at 2mph, I should just take a vow of silence and move to a remote jungle that still has moderate wifi.
So yeah. I really like mornings and people and tubes. *straight line mouth emoji*