Some days I climb into bed and feel like I have done a really good job at life. I don’t always know why sometimes, because it happens on days when I have been sluggish, or not finished all my work, but the feeling is still there. It might be something to do with embracing ‘be the best you can be’ as a life motto, but yeah. Some days I’m all like “high five, good job, time for well deserved sleep” and all manner of happy, dancing emoji feelings.
Other days though I am literally like, you massive loser. You can’t keep up with your own life and you’re letting people down.
The latter is not a good feeling. At the end of last year I felt that way all the time. It became like a normal feeling to just constantly be annoyed and constantly feel like I’d forgotten a million different things or not been a good friend, or a bad daughter. Endless lists of joyless feelings.
It’s really quite hard to hold together a life. Even a life that seems full of luxury and appears to be a piece of cake, can in reality, be a nightmare for the owner. We do own our lives, they are ours and we have to control them. We have to remember, and work, and finish things, and feed our bodies and remember to get sleep and remember those texts we should have sent and that washing that STILL needs to be done. It’s even harder when the bad times roll in. Stress turns your memory and your concentration to mush and you feel like everything is helpless.
I don’t think there is any shame in any one, of any age, feeling this way. I’m 25 and I don’t have kids, I don’t have endless financial responsibilities right now, I don’t have loads of stress at work, I don’t even have a pet. I still have massive trouble balancing life and getting it right though. I sometimes do think I should get a grip and man up, but then I remember how real the feeling is when it first sets in.
You know when you’re climbing up life mountain and you’re like, I can’t do it, I’m not good at climbing, I am definitely going to fall? Sometimes when I remember things I haven’t done and It gets all ‘shit, nothing can save this day from being a total disaster.’ But sometimes I remember and I’m like, F that, I’m so busy. And there it is. Some days the balance works and some days it doesn’t. Everyone deserves to feel like they’re stuck on life mountain and can’t see the top yet even if you think they have an easy ride and need to shut up. Give people a break.