1) I am going to write a book called endless non-joy. Everyone feels the non-joy. It can’t just be me. Imagine if it became a best seller.
2) I sometimes wonder how many times the words ‘get out of my fucking way’ go through my head everyday. I think probably over a thousand.
3) I don’t really want to get out of the road to be honest.
4) What’s asthma?
5) I started mopping up spilt tea in the office with a sanitary towel from my bag the other day. I just did it on impulse. People backed away.
6) When I can’t be bothered to queue in supermarkets I just think ‘today is the day I’ll break the law’.
7) I woke up wearing his top and he was wearing my coat. I have no explanation. I also hate him.
8) Let’s all get pregnant tomorrow. Imagine the Instagram montages.
9) My mum was really not impressed with that video of me dancing outside McDonalds fucked off my face.
10) Underwear is the key to happiness. GPs are missing a trick when they prescribe meds. They should provide lingerie.
11) I hate absolutely everyone. There isn’t anyone I like. Actually no that’s wrong, because I do like you.
12) I’m watching Gossip Girl at work. I’m sure this isn’t allowed.
13) I’m just scrolling through our WhatsApp history to work out when my last period was.
14) I may not be able to cook but I can do DIY. I can’t tell you how much I love glue guns.
15) Can you bring Pringles into Asia? That’s my main concern.
16) Me and my dogs love swimming. We don’t go together obviously.
17) I woke up at 4am and watched some teleshopping channel and one of the Pussycat dolls was talking about her bad skin for an hour. She’s never had bad skin. It’s fucking lies. I was furious.
18) I had to have a rest in Iceland yesterday. Life is too much sometimes.
19) How’s the menstruating going? Mine is full throttle.
20) Basically we played beer pong with pistachios then he poured a bottle of squash over my head. I need to mop the floor.
21) My dad just said ‘I love Eastenders, it’s what I live for, it makes me happy. I have the theme tune on my ipod.’ Oh Steve!