1) I’m not good at anything, I’m just distinctly average at a lot of things.
2) Couldn’t find any cups that didn’t look a bit fungal, so I’ll have my jaeger in a teapot.
3) I’m just sat at work, at my desk, really horny. I don’t even fancy anyone.
4) I can come home at 7am, shower and just go to work with no sleep. I only really fail if I sit down. If I sit down it’s game over.
5) Literally all I’ve ever wanted in life is to meet a man I could duet with on Mel C and Bryan Adams- When you’re gone.
6) The first thing he said after being passed out drunk for 9 hours was ‘where is my gilet?’
7) The only place he would be getting chlamydia from is a koala.
8) I’m not eating anything between now and then and will practice shaking like Beyonce.
9) I’ve got ‘eternal flame’ stuck in my head. Make a note that I want that at my funeral. The Atomic Kitten version.
10) I don’t get paid until the end of the month but I’m coming out. I’ll just put little bottles of gin in my bra.
11) That holiday we went on where we had to take out our own rubbish, weren’t allowed clean sheets and only had one towel. Oh my God.
12) I’m so bored I’m roasting a butternut squash to experiment on.
13) Maybe I am due on my period. It would explain my overwhelming urge to punch everything and my devastation at overcooking the camembert.
14) I want to go on a girls holiday, no boys. I also want to just not speak to anyone for a few days and do some Sudoku. Basically, I’m going away on my own. You can’t come.
15) I’m missing Gordon Ramsay’s Hotel Nightmares because the TV signal is so bad so I might get a golf club and smash it into tiny pieces. Thoughts?
16) I may have accidentally put the thermostat on 30. I woke up in the night choking from heat. Life is hard.
17) Vaginas suck.
18) My dog is running around the house with a lemon and I thought it was fine because it was a tennis ball. It’s definitely a lemon.
19) I’ve really upset my body with yoga. My soul doesn’t even feel less evil or cleansed. It’s bullshit.
20) I had a brain scan and they sent me a picture so I got cards made with the picture on and a speech bubble saying ‘thinking of you’. I’m sending them to everyone I’ve ever met.
21) Star wars was on TV and I thought it was a McDonalds advert. I thought the brown hairy thing was meant to be a life size hash brown.