The best things I’ve overheard on trains this week


I get on tubes and trains a lot. This week alone I’ve been on 15 tube journeys and three train journeys, which is pretty standard  in the life of a commuter. Most of the time I have headphones in or read so I don’t really take much notice of what’s going on around me, unless it’s one of those days someone rests their coffee on my shoulder and I have to hold on to a strangers arm to fit in the carriage. However this week I temporarily lost my headphones and just haven’t been reading or doing much of anything, apart from listening to some absolutely ridiculous conversations. What even are some people?

1- This actually happened on Monday morning, when no one wanted to listen to anyone speak and there were massive delays, meaning the general mood was ‘murderous angst’ and there were zero smiles.  A man with really long hair and even longer, very thin limbs who resembled a sort of wise tree, was telling a much younger lady, presumably a colleague, about his issues with his mum. REALLY LOUDLY. ‘I actually just gave her tens of thousands of pounds and said to her that she should go to spas and live off of me until she finds a suitable man to fleece. We just laughed about it and she agreed.’ Right. Great. Happy Monday everyone.

2- This one was this morning. An almost empty, sleepy Sunday morning train with a few scattered early risers on board. A very smiley, cheerful man sat down opposite me and answered the phone by saying ‘Morning baby, I’m two stops away. Bring the gravy boat hahahahahaha.’ Haha. No. What even?

3- Friday afternoon, my earphones had been recovered so this was just before I plugged into an episode of Serial (which you should all listen to if you haven’t yet) a really well-dressed, stony-faced blonde lady said to her boyfriend ‘I can just smell the filth on here. We should have driven’ Charming, as I was the only other person remotely near them. I mean, the circle line is surely one of the least offensive of all the London underground lines, no?

4- I just don’t even know what this is about, but also on Friday, as I got off the tube to go to work, an immensely tall man in a suit that made him look like a walking, talking iron, said to his equally tall friend ‘The more I squash them, the more I feel inclined to finish it off early. Just dive in and be done, like you always say.’ Cue business-like laughter and me just raising both eyebrows and deciding it was time to listen to more Taylor Swift.

5- This one was also today, waiting for a train to leave in the pouring rain, a man with a suitcase runs on and says to himself, but sort of to everyone, accompanied with some teeth kissing ‘Not feeling dry and fly, now it all wet.’ Good observation sir, things do get a bit wet in the rain, including your nice orange hat with WHAT? emblazoned on the front. What indeed.

Oh life.

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