1) He wrote a song about Anne Frank. It’s one for the wank bank.
2) Are wolves mythical?
3) what’s the Vatican?
4) I accidentally liked one of his Instagram photos from 2 years ago and panicked and just deleted Instagram completely then got drunk.
5) I haven’t heard back from any jobs so I’m just concentrating on men adoring me.
6) Who was that black guy who sang r&b songs in the 90s? Had a few hits?
7) I got the job and immediately went out and spent £100.
8) I had to get up at 3am and just finish off the block of cheese. So hungry.
9) I took my knickers off because I couldn’t breathe and now I can’t find them anywhere. (In a club)
10) Do you want to go eagle handling? I’m not joking.
11) The nurse asked me what I had to drink last night so I told her about the port, the tequila and the beer and then she gasped, so I just didn’t tell her the rest.
12) The gas man came to fix the boiler and there was a champagne cork wedged in there. So yeah, that’s why it broke.
13) I came downstairs really hungover to get some water and the letting agency man was changing the wrong light fixture but it was really awkward and I didn’t say anything. The actual broken light is still broken.
14) I got to the airport and when they searched my bag they found a knife and two forks and I just denied they were mine. They are mine though, for my lunch at work.
15) I thought seahorses were only cartoons, like in Little Mermaid.
16) I washed and tumble dried an asthma inhaler. Can you imagine if it exploded?
17) My friend’s brother went on a date and didn’t realise until an hour in that the guy had one arm.
18) Starwars is the film where they all wear grey wet suits and there’s a bear? No?
19) When boys stay over I just make them wear my mouse pyjamas and then they have to leave at like, 5am.
20) I woke up on my doorstep and my landlord had to step over me to get inside.
21) I attempted to make toast four times and failed. I just give up. What’s the point?
22) I got a new job and cooked an amazing dinner with vegetables and I’m so proud of myself I just cried a little bit.